There is a thin line between excitement and anxiety. Excitement is a many-splendored peacock fluttering in one’s heart. This gorgeous bird is lime, gold and mauve with a deep blue elegant head set on a slender neck. He fans his long, turquoise-studded tail feathers and chirps happily about the adventure ahead.

Without warning, the excited feeling turns into anxiety. It is a tiny grey swallow flapping her wings desperately, trying to come unstuck from a still-warm chimney after a wood stove fire. Her feathers saturated with ashes, eyes seared from the heat, blind her. She cannot see where to go and injures herself trying to escape. When the tiny avian finally falls to the ground, one wing still works, the other is broken.

I traveled abroad during spring break for many years with a dear friend. We made fifteen spring break trips together, visited three continents, six countries, three Caribbean islands, and a half dozen states, until cancer took her four years ago.

I ventured out three years ago to Ireland in her honor with our mutual travel friends. We visited the Cliffs of Moher on a rainy day.

I deliberately plan to travel to Europe this spring, but this time as part of a group with a travel agent overseeing all the plans. This hands-off approach is supposed to be easy, but I feel more anxiety this time around than ever before. The world feels chaotic and unpredictable. It is tough to give up control of where to go and how long to stay, even if that sense of control is mostly imaginary.

Do any of us really have any control over events in our lives? Since I made these plans, one friend died in his sleep, and another is nearing the end of his battle with cancer.

I have a case of hives with no apparent physical cause but it’s probably the start of a head cold. My conclusion is that stress is a contributing factor. Writing this blog entry is an attempt to get stress and anxiety out of my head. Oddly enough, I’m not worried about home. Although I will miss them, I know my family will take care of the place and the animals.